243 Shades Of Lipstick
by hermione-amelia-rose1479
Summary: Slight au on my take of Mary Morstan. When 'boring school teacher'; Mary Morstan comes to stay at her cousin Sherly's place for the summer holidays. But it leaves her entangled with a certain doctor and a certian psychopath's idea of revenge. Sherlolly, John/Mary.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hello, this is my first attempt at a Sherlock fanfiction, i've been meaning to get this baby out, and this was fuelled more with my sudden re-watching of all the Sherlock episodes. Anyway, so i hope you don't hate my sort of A/U take on Mary Morstan. Because i don't think we can deny, that there are a lot of Johnlock-feel moments in Sherlock, so to appease my Johnlock Brotp and my Sherlolly feels, not to mention my more fucked up ships, this is my fic.

Oh and disclaimer, i own nothing. One day, i will dominate Benedict Cumberbatch's perfect face... in my dreams... never.

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243 Shades of Lipstick- Chapter 1

Sexy Aston Martins

Mary Morstan smirked. Perhaps it _was_ easy to get under Sherlock Holmes. She continued walking at a brisk pace through the halls of Scotland Yard, it was rather tedious, she could tell at a glimpse who was sleeping with who. It was rather liked a fucked up version of some police-drama. Except in real life and the characters were far more boring. The desk she was walking up to right now, a man called 'Anderson', he would be easy enough to convince, taking off her dark blue scarf, she acted rather bashful, the pretty little thing that walked into his office.

"Hello Mr…"

"Anderson" the idiot replied

"I am _so_ sorry, but is Detective Inspector Lestrade here, I was hoping to ask him something…" She grinned in a shy way she knew would catch his eye, her hand moving strategically to her neck, where it would be exposed, she rubbed it in a shy way. But she could tell he was falling for it, the shade of lipstick she had chosen worked marvellously. Another second or two, tops and he would escort her to the nest of vipers.

"No Problem at all, Miss…"

"Miss Morstan, a pleasure to meet you Mr Anderson"

"Let me escort you" The idiot _actually_ stood up, thinking himself rather attractive. She was just stopping herself from retching. He lead her through several corridors, up an escalator to Detective Inspector Lestrade's office. That was until they ran into a woman, who was obviously jealous, sleeping with Anderson, judging by the sudden smoothing-down of wrinkles at the mid-section of her dress.

"'Oo is she?" The woman asked. She was asking in a nice manner enough, but not enough to conceal her jealousy. The sudden sweating of her palms betrayed her,

"She's looking for Lestrade" Anderson replied. He was trying to bridge the gap and stop world war three happening between this Donovan, yes Donovan was her name. Sally, how boring. Between this Sally and herself.

"Well then, he's talking to freak's 'husband'" She replied with some spite, before walking off. Anderson politely announced her and closed the door behind her. This detective inspector, he was a father, left his wife, fondness for coffee and donuts, one could imagine. He was a silver fox though, she had to admit it.

"Good Morning Detective Inspector, Dr Watson" Mary knew the man well enough, she took to reading his blog. Only way she could find out what was happening to her cousin. Yes, her cousin was Sherlock Holmes. Normal people assumed they were siblings, with their physical similarities and what not.

"Ah, Miss Morstan" The inspector rose and shook her hand

"Please, it's Mary" she took his hand gladly

"Pleasure to meet you too" Dr John Watson also took her hand, but he seemed vaguely troubled when he took her hand. She knew why of course, but she left it alone… for now.

"Miss Morstan" Lestrade began

"Mary" she corrected. She knew she was reeling him in for the bait

"Mary, what were you about to ask?"

"Well, I know, that you know my cousin, Sherlock Holmes very well" Lestrade choked on his coffee and John looked stunned

"Oh, it isn't that hard to figure out, the physical similarities. Fondness of dark purple and we both wanted to be pirates when we grew up" She began in her annoyed manner "I thought you would at _least_ manage sister" She didn't understand. It must be so boring in normal people's minds. She was of course in her long, black belstaff, her dark purple dress and her blue scarf. The eyes, their _eyes _were the same and the black curls, like that was _not_ obvious. Then the long slim build, the vampire-like pale skin and the deductions, surely no-one was _that_ thick.

"I'm sorry, he wanted to be a _pirate_?" Lestrade spluttered

"Then it was to be a Time Lord" Mary added.

"Anyway, continue" John ushered

"I was wondering if you knew his current whereabouts, and please, do hurry up. I've got a rather sexy Aston Martin parked on the meter" Mary begged. Not begged, more like buttering the plea with chocolate.

"An _Aston Martin?_ How has Sherlock not talked about you?" John asked seriously

"Well first of all, last time we met, I think that was the time I beat him up." Mary admitted. But she was interrupted from further thought, as someone burst into Lestrade's office rather excitedly.

"Sir, there's a bloody Aston Martin parked outside. 5 seater, sun roof, silver, v8 engine and tailored leather seats" The man spluttered in excitement.

"Well, if you can't help me, I'll just go back down and-"

"He's a St Bart's. I was just about to go there" John said quickly

"Well, ever wanted to sit at the front seat of an Aston Martin?" Mary began sweetly

"Bloody hell, yes" John replied

"Well then, thank you Inspector." Mary grinned, before exiting the room.

* * *

"So you're actually his cousin?" Watson asked her

"Yes, yes I am." Mary replied.

"He never mentions you"

"Like I explained earlier, last time I saw him, I bashed him up."

"Why?"

"Is it of much importance? Honestly, what it must be like in your normal brains, it must be so _boring"_ Mary continued driving, smirking as John stroked the leather seats

"Why are you looking for Sherlock anyway?" He asked

"I assume he hasn't told you yet?" Mary asked, hardly not surprised.

"He hasn't told me what?"

"My apartment is being renovated, seeing as it's school holidays, I can't stay at the school, so Sherly offered to let me stay in your spare room for the duration of the school holidays, by then, my flat will be done and you won't have to put up with my presence"

"How has he not told me you're coming?" John said exasperated.

"Has he got a girlfriend, boyfriend, Time Lord?" Mary asked

"Girlfriend." John grinned, Mary smirked.

"Does he actually get her chocolates and flowers?" Mary giggled

"Nope."

"Oh… that changes everything. God help the poor girl. When Sherlock was six, he said if he ever fancied someone, he's make Mycroft buy all the chocolates and the flowers in the world, then give them to her" Mary said, still giggling.

"Really? It's just, you remind me of someone…"

"You once dated, I could tell." Mary said. She _had_ dated him, right under Sherlock's nose in fact. But then again, dyeing her hair ginger does marvels. "You're an army doctor." She stated

"And what do you do?"

"I'm a science teacher, at Eton, used to teach at Harrow. I've got all these horrible brats. Sons of politicians, celebrities, influential people, what not. And their fathers are the _worst_. Most of them are divorced and looking for some arm decoration"

"Well that's when being a soldier comes in handy. Tell the birds at the pub you're being shot at, by the next morning, you find yourself in someone's bedroom with three naked women beside you." John winked. Mary's inner voice growled. Now would be the appropriate time to change the shade of her lipstick. By the time they had finally arrived at St Bart's, Mary pulled out a slightly lighter shade of lipstick, applying it while walking down the halls, eventually to the Mortuary.

"Pathologist? Ooh, sign me up as the godmother to their first-born" Mary muttered to herself, John grinning wickedly. They were like two naughty children hiding behind a door to see whatever their mates were getting up to.

* * *

"I've got you your coffee" Molly said. Sherlock had liked that change in her. She wasn't the quiet, mousy pathologist with a school-girl crush on him. _That_ was obvious from the moment he'd met her. No, it was always something nagging at him, something about her he couldn't resist. She pecked his cheek, and he grinned, loping his arm around her small waste, their lips met and they kissed. But that moment was disturbed by the woman he had completely forgotten about.

* * *

"Oh, so you _do_ wear that purple shirt when you're sexually frustrated" Mary grinned.

"Mary." Sherlock said. She grinned, the current shade of lipstick, a sort of pink-red was reserved for whenever she was annoying him. She could deduce him from the colour of his shirt, while he could deduce her next motive through the colour of her lipstick.

"Sherly." She grinned back, then she turned to the slightly embarrassed Pathologist "Oh, I'm not his sister, I'm his cousin. I'm Mary Morstan."

"I'm Molly, Molly Hooper." The Pathologist said

"Out of curiosity. Has he bought you a bouquet of flowers? Cream and peach roses?" Mary asked, Sherlock's eyes narrowed, she kept grinning

"Yeah, ehrm, why are you asking?"

"Oh, it's a list of things Sherlock said he'd do for his girlfriend, when he was five, Mycroft knows about it." Molly giggled and Sherlock flushed. John had been right behind her, trying not to die of laughter.

"Oh, um John, my _dear_ cousin is staying with us for the next couple of months-"

"Yeah I know, she told me you git" John said

"Right well, I've got a post-mortem right now. I'll see you all later. And nice meeting you Miss Morstan"

"It's Mary" Mary grinned charmingly, having the Pathologist grin warmly back.

* * *

"Oh, Mrs Hudson. Sorry about having to dash off like that" Mary had left all her luggage at 221B, which Sherlock had texted her, and forgotten, about.

"Oh, Mary. I see you've picked up the boys. Oh, that is a beautiful car, isn't it!" Mrs Hudson gleamed at the car.

"I see Mycroft likes spoiling you" Sherlock said

"If you bothered to be nice to him, he might gift you with a brutal triple murder" Mary snapped. John merely shook his head.

"Oh don't worry about my coat Mrs Hudson, it's fine" Mary said politely with her charming grin

"See Sherlock, you should be like her more often. Such a polite young lady" Mrs Hudson said, before walking out the front door. Mary hung her coat on the hook before walking up the stairs. She'd seen 221B before, admittedly, as a ginger. Hands on hips, she looked at the chairs in the room, that one there was Sherlock's. John's was the one with the Union Flag pillow. Sheet music on the stand, by the looks of it, one inspired by Mycroft, judging by the pompous tune and the sudden bursts of sharps and flats.

"Ooh, Mycroft has his own theme now. Are we going to be playing it instead of God Save the Queen?" Mary teased

"Unless you'd like to play Ride Of The Valkyries" Sherlock suggested with a cock of his head. Mary opened one of her suitcases, looking for a stack of albums."

"Share that with Molly, John" Mary said "Just give them back in time so I can use it for their wedding" John laughed yet again and Sherlock spluttered. John began flicking through them, before he began coughing "Mycroft wasn't kidding"

"Yes, is there an issue with wanting to be a pirate?" Sherlock said, before snatching the album away from John.

"I wanted to be a Time Lord. He just copied me" Mary said, bringing up her suitcases to the spare room. Eventually, being all done, she slide down the bannister, violin and bow in hand, she winked at Sherlock, and simultaneously, they began playing 'God Save the Queen', cutting Mycroft off mid-sentence. Once the tune had ended, Mycroft glowered at the two of them.

"You two are honestly nothing but children"

"Thanks for the sexy Aston Martin by the way. Oh and yes, I _know_ it was gifted to you by the MI6. How's convincing the Queen that Sherlock doesn't want a knighthood?" but then she mock-stopped to correct herself "Wait, then again you are the bloody Queen, tell me, how's the wife?" The visible shock from Sherlock and John's face were quite hilarious, if it weren't for the fact Mycroft looked like he could murder her.

"Yes, if I am not mistaken, to Anthea, except we all know Anthea isn't her real name." Mary continued

"Tell me then, what is her real name" Mycroft asked dangerously

"Oh even I don't know that. For all I know it's locked away in the Chamber of Secrets with some god-forsaken skeleton of a basilisk" Mary quipped, having a fit of giggles erupt from John. Sherlock tried to hide a smirk too. This was the pinnacle of her childhood, annoying Mycroft.

"I was merely here to check up on you. Now, if you two don't mind, I shall be leaving. Doctor Watson" He said to John, before exiting.

"That was certainly enlightening. Tell me, how did you know?" Sherlock grinned

"Tell me, how did you not notice that I've dated John?" Her eyebrow raised. Not before she heard a thump behind her. John fainted, rolling her eyes, she walked into the kitchen, exiting with a glass of water, before pouring the contents on him.

"OKAY, WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY!?" John said in an oddly high-pitched voice.

"Ah, nothing but a point proven. I _am_ better at the art of disguise, Sherly"

"I _told_ you to break up with her." Sherlock smirked

"Yeah, but you were… were"

"Ginger? At Harrow? Apparently a boring school teacher according to Sherly" Mary helped, sipping on some tea left there by Mrs Hudson

"Those horrid cream sneakers" Sherlock began

"Get the fuck out" Mary snapped "Converse. Doctor Who"

"And that shade of lipstick, actually, that suited you" Sherlock admitted

"It was a discontinued line, tell me, where did you buy the ring? Correction, Auntie's engagement ring isn't it?"

"Wait, what ring?" John asked

"He's _obviously_ proposing to Molly" Mary said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world

" SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU" John began "I've had enough revelations for one day, I don't want to die of a heart attack." He was about to walk out the door when something crossed his mind "Just one more thing, why did you bash him up?"

"He was being a git"

"I needed to look bashed up for a case, the argument just helped." Sherlock replied curtly.

* * *

John woke up in the middle of the night. First of all, the thoughts regarding a one Miss Mary Morstan and those ever-changing shades of lipstick. Second of all, the racket that was going on downstairs. Pulling his robe on, he shuffled his way down the stairs to find the two cousins playing on their violins. Mary in her chiffon shirt, the same colour as Sherlock's dark purple, black pencil skirt, pantyhose and heels, legs crossed and looked vaguely murderous while Sherlock sat there, eyes wide opened as if something were obvious.

"Wait, Moon river?" John whispered to himself. It was then interrupted by the haunting tunes of 'Windmills of your mind', then interjected with the theme from 'Tammy'. "Nope. Not bothered"

* * *

John walked down the next morning, still annoyed.

"How are you two still having some sort of musical argument?" as he walked down to the tune of 'I want to break free' by Queen. It seemed his question was replied to with 'Twinkle, twinkle little star'

"Oh sorry." Mary apologised

"It's a form of communication." Sherlock began

"We got bored a lot during Violin lessons, so we found a way to talk without getting caught, yet practising at the same time"

"Oh, you're awake" Mrs Hudson walked in "How was your room?"

"Oh, I didn't sleep, to busy arguing" Mary grinned.

"Ah, so it's a family thing, you must get more sleep." Mrs Hudson reprimanded. "Honestly it's not good for you. That lovely inspector, Lestrade is here." Mary flicked her black curls around to see the silver-haired inspector walking up the steps.

"Sherlock, got a murder and a missing persons."

"No, boring" Sherlock replied

"No, go on." Mary asked

"Bloody hell, you too. Okay, heard of the recent murders"

"Oh, so it's serial now?" Mary remarked

"This would be the third. The first two victims have nothing in common, or we thought at first"

"Both women, single mother or divorced mothers. Mid to late thirties?"

"That was what we thought. But the latest one, she's different…"

"Different in what way?" John asked

"The murderer made a mistake. She isn't a mother, yet the death has the exact same trademark, but worse."

"Tell me, what is this trademark, pray how is it worse than the other two?" Sherlock asked, now curious

"Their hearts were ripped out… and burnt" Lestrade replied gravely. Mary paled, but the sound of tinkling china came from Sherlock's direction. And the sudden pause in typing from John left her with only one conclusion. Moriarty.

* * *

Yeah, so please review, and i really do hope you liked this chapter :) If you're on Tumblr, i'm Hermione-amelia-rose1479. And i really hope they aren't too au, and the idea of Mary having dated John before, was in Scandal in Belgravia, when Sherlock recounts all of John's ex's. The delicous idea that his own cousin had slipped right under his nose was very interesting...


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hey guys, thanks, and OH MY GOD I FEEL SO LOVED I CANNOT HOLD MY FEELS ASDFGHJKL;!

Anyway, so the story continues... Thanks yet again to all you followers and favourites/reviews etc. I think i squealed unnecessarily in homeroom when i read all of them. So, thanks for the faith in the first chapter and hopefully this lives up to it.

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243 Shades of Lipstick chapter 2

The Cupboard under the stairs.

Mary, John and Sherlock had rushed up to change, before running back down the stairs. Mary was now in her grey chiffon long-sleeved shirt, her black pencil skirt, pantyhose and heels. John was in a different shirt while Sherlock merely dug through his drawers in search of his grey shirt. It had been that way ever since they were children, Mary and Sherlock somehow coordinated clothes.

"Thanks" John said to a hurried Lestrade while Sherlock snatched they keys off Mary. John sat in the front seat while Mary sat in the middle of the back, applying a natural shade of red/brown lipstick. They drove like mad.

"Moriarty, Moriarty John. He's going to kill them, he's going to threaten all the people I care about. He's going to kill Molly" Sherlock panicked. Mary knew her cousin, but she never knew his level of emotions reached that level. And it just broke her virtually non-existent heart to see that man reduced to this.

"Sherly, Sherlock, calm down." Mary said "I know what you're thinking. I know, we're going to start going on about Richard Brook and Moriarty and I know. Sherlock, I taught Richard Brook's son, he was a first year at Harrow."

"WHAT!?" Sherlock shouted

"Yes, shut up, I was there at the court hearing after your supposed death. I gave testimony in your favour, Moriarty used Richard Brook as a body double, we know that, we also know Richard Brook was placed under major plastic surgery. Richard Brook is an actor, he did resemble Moriarty and he also tried recruiting me."

"Okay, I was lost at you teaching his son, but what bullshit is this?" John asked

"I'm not lying. Before Irene Addler, he came to me, who would suspect me, little science teacher with a string of unwanted admirers. But Richard Brook figured it out, he's smarter than he lets on. He figured out the relation."

"Thus naturally leaving you to be, kidnapped. Scar on wrist" Sherlock said curtly, suddenly turning right as if he wanted to kill Mary by crashing her car.

"Moriarty's virtually your alter-ego. If I'm your flirty, more lax gender bend, he's your alter ego. He's dramatic, so he offers me a deal. I work for him and betray you, and live. Or I walk away to die."

"What did you choose?" John asked

"You batted an eyelash" Sherlock chuckled. "Made yourself desirable and batted an eyelash, you never change, Mary Charlotte Morstan"

"Only way to get out of it, really. It was that, or kill him. The latter not possible"

"Wait, you can't have just batted an eyelash" John protested

"No, I snogged him. Mind you, he was rather sexy in that Westwood suit" Mary winked at John leaving before leaving the car.

"I'm sorry, you didn't want me dating your cousin because?"

"She breaks hearts for her cause" Sherlock said, before exiting the car. Mary looked around at the seemingly normal townhouse, lawn was neglected, home to a socialite. But why was this murder different. She was joined by Sherlock and John, together they walked up to the house, Mary quickly changing the shade of her lipstick. That idiotic Anderson was there.

"No, none of you are allowed in" He said

"That's a shame" Mary said rather shyly, eyelash bat or two, hand moving nervously to her neck. She was good "We only _needed_ a bit of time… Shame people just don't understand" Mary thought of something depressing, the day Sherlock forgot it was her fifth birthday would suffice, he was mean to her that day to boot. She could feel the stinging in her eyes, tear drop or two.

"No, um, take as long as you want." Anderson "So sorry." He moved out of the way, Sherlock entered, John next and Mary practically ran up the stairs to the scene of the crime.

"That's how you escaped Moriarty?" John asked impressed "Why aren't you teaching drama?"

"No, I escaped Moriarty because I could tell he fancied me and I played with that" Mary corrected. They at last reached the room, where the murder took place, ashes, the organic matter that once was a human heart. The woman's body lay in an awkward, slumped position, hand in the cavity where her heart once was. The room, was boring. But one thing stood out to her.

"Harry Potter fan, eh?" John said

"It's new. Adult editon covers." Mary held it to her nose and sniffed "Can't be more than a year old. In storage at the bookshop for a while. Damn that 50 Shades Of Grey." She took out some of the books, and thumbed through the pages "She hasn't read them all yet. Only Philosopher's Stone, and only a couple of chapters in, pre-Hogwarts"

"Why would she have Harry Potter? It is evident she doesn't read" Sherlock said, examining the body

"You're right, fingertips." Mary said

"It doesn't seem right, why does she have this?" John had meanwhile been searching drawers, eventually finding a hidden compartment. Sherlock had popped up and moved to the drawer John and Mary had been standing at

"Baby clothes?" Sherlock said with disgust "So Moriarty hasn't broken his pattern"

"Relatively new, the child must still be a baby, toddler perhaps?" Mary said

"Then where is her kid, the rooms don't have any baby furniture" John reminded. Mary walked down the stairs at a brisk pace, followed by Sherlock and John.

"There's got to be a cupboard somewhere." Mary muttered, eventually finding the loose panel and pressing upon it. The door swung open to reveal a nursery. Sherlock smirked.

"Moriarty, you're getting old" Sherlock said with glee

"Or lost, Sherlock…" John was in the corner, Mary flicked around to see a baby? Fast asleep in his cot.

"No." Sherlock said, as the baby woke up and yawned "Not possible, that is _sick"_

"Sherlock, it's just a kid" Mary said "Stop being an insensitive bastard"

"No, his eyes, look at his eyes" Mary and John just looked at each other blankly, as they realised who's eyes they resembled speckle-for-speckle. Jim Moriarty's.

"Fuck" Mary and John said in unison

* * *

They all sat in Lestrade's office, sitting like naughty children at the Headmaster's office.

"I'm sorry, what cock-and-bull story is this fuckery?"

"The thought escapes me, why one would want to have Moriarty's children" Sherlock said

"To be completely honest, he is rather hot" Mary admitted. Sherlock rolled his eyes.

"And please explain to me, how these women are all connected?" Lestrade asked

"Our theory would be that he's dated them before, or they've bore his children. Because other than those women being single mothers, there's nothing else that relates them, work, religion, race, personality.." Mary said

"And don't deny it Detective Inspector, we know about Richard Brook and the truth" Sherlock said with some vague threat in his voice

"It's not my _fault_, I didn't even want to arrest you, they threatened my job!" Lestrade protested.

"Thank you, detective inspector, we'll be back tomorrow" Sherlock said curtly. Mary swung her Belstaff back on, watching John through the corner of her eye. They'd just opened the door when she'd caught the conversation that some of Scotland Yard were having.

"You know, I just wish Sherlock was still dead" Anderson said. John looked like he could kill, but Sherlock held John back, motioning to his cousin.

"I'm sorry, you were saying?" Mary asked, she was literally prepared to chop him into pieces.

"Oh, um."

"No, say it word-for-word" Mary said threateningly

"I wish-sh Sh-sherlock was still d-d-dead." Anderson spluttered. Mary took his arm, twisted it, then proceeded to flip her body over, legs grabbing his neck, then pulling him into a thigh-choke, her torso pushing down hard, increasing the pressure

"ARGH WHAT THE FUCK!?" Anderson squealed like a little girl. Scotland Yard stood there in shock.

"Fuck you all. Except you Lestrade, you're cool" Mary said, before walking away. Sherlock and John merely smirked at Anderson's helpless form. She sat in the front seat of the car and revved up the engine.

"Now, that should have Anderson clearing off whenever you boys need to investigate a crime scene" Mary said brightly

"Did you just put Anderson into a thigh-choke?" John asked impressed "Where the hell did you learn that?"

"Sherlock took self-defence in school, I'd help him train in the holidays. Thigh-chokes are hard to pull off though"

"You still don't have the momentum right" Sherlock criticized.

"Still, I think Lestrade filmed it on his phone" John laughed.

"Well isn't that flattering, Oh, and I've thought of a nickname for you" Mary added with a grin to John

"What would that be?" John asked. Mary glimpsed at Sherlock who looked like he was going to die of laughter.

"Hedgehog" Mary replied simply.

* * *

Mary had been sitting in her assigned spare-room, being bored, as per-usual. Though the nagging feeling about Jim Moriarty hadn't been helping. She needed to think, taking her coat, scarf and bag, she walked down the stairs to find her cousin and the mousy pathologist making out on the sofa. It was mentally scarring, but she thought they deserved each other, and from what she could deduce, Molly was nice enough.

"Oh, hello" Mary said to John, who had just entered the front door of 221B Baker street.

"Hi, not good?" John asked, in relation to the situation upstairs

"Snogging, something tells me it's going to escalate." Mary giggled.

"Well, seeing as we can't go upstairs, want to go have some coffee?" John asked

"Thought you'd never ask." Mary grinned, as John opened the front door for her. They walked quite a bit to a couple of cafés, laughing every now and then.

"I hope this isn't your idea of trying to chat me up" Mary grinned, sipping on her cappuccino

"I don't know, unless you'd like for it to be?" John winked. "When you said…"

"Moriarty tried recruiting me, I'm not lying. When Sherlock fell, I did actually think he'd died. It wasn't until about a month later, he'd come to me, by then, Scotland Yard were having their enquiry, so I spoke, gave evidence. It turns out the place Moriarty took me to was crucial to finding Sebastian Moran"

"Wait, so you actually flirted with him?" John asked

"Meh, it was boring, grin coyly and drop a witty remark, you have boys flailing after you. I'd try it on you, but not bothered" Mary grinned. She took a bite of her cinnamon scroll and placed it down, looking at John in worry "You do realise, your fans are going to have a field day, particularly your teenage fangirls."

"Wait, Sherlock and I have fangirls?" John asked stunned

"Yes, I know that because the boys at Eton are complaining about their girlfriends and how they don't pay enough attention and that hot, British actors and a certain Consulting Detective have ruined their so-called love lives." Mary laughed, John laughing with her.

"Anyway, what do those fangirls do?"

"I've been trolling Tumblr, this social networking site. They seem to 'ship' you and Sherlock, it means you two are a romantic pair. It's called Johnlock, whole lot of porn. Then there's Sherlolly, which is Sherlock and Molly. Then Sherene, Sherlock and Irene Addler. Then you have more fucked up ones like Mystrade, MorMor…"

"Wow" John blinked "Wait… Porn?"

"Oh yeah, never underestimate the fandom John. Fanart, Fanfiction and a whole lot of porn" Mary sipped on her coffee

"How did you know, that the baby, Moriarty's kid, would be under the stairs?" John asked, now slightly serious

"She'd only read the first Harry Potter book, and she'd bookmarked it on a page, the only location mentioned was the cupboard under the stairs. Then there was the baby clothes, she named her kid Harry." Mary said "I know it isn't as dazzling as Sherlock's deductions…"

"No, no its brilliant, you're certainly less bitchy about it" John said. Mary grinned. "Anyway, want to start heading back? I think we've given them enough time"

"Yeah, why not?" Mary said, leaving the payment on the counter. It was lightly sprinkling, she had no objections to that, Baker Street was pretty close anyway.

"Why do you wear all those shades of lipstick?" John asked "No, seriously, how many do you have in that bag of yours?"

"243" Mary replied "I don't use them all, some I've hardly ever used, but you can be surprised what a dash of colour can do. It can trigger memory, or manipulate feelings." John yet again opened the door of 221B for her, upon climbing the steps, they found abandoned clothing strewn across the floor.

"I don't think I need to know what's happening…" Mary said, snapping a picture of the clothes and sending it to Mycroft.

"Fancy another cuppa?" John asked

"Yeah."

* * *

Mary, out of herself and Sherlock, was definitely more domesticated. She sat down, plucking at her violin strings… bored.

"Any requests?" Mary asked John "Seriously, any?"

"What about…" Mary was startled to hear a female voice

"Bloody hell, Irene!" John said shocked "You have got to stop dropping by like this"

"I see we have a new face" Irene said "Irene Addler"

"Mary Morstan"

"Let me guess…" Irene said "Sister?"

"Close enough, cousin" Mary said "Why doesn't anybody get it right? It's like, let's all assume he's got a sister, because of physical similarities."

"Well, pleasure to meet you. Is Sherlock back, got some terrible news for him" Irene said seriously

"What is it?" John asked

"Press have got photos of Molly and Sherlock together, nothing colourful by my standards." Irene winked "But, they're from places press shouldn't be. For example here, the morgue, dates…" she trailed off "But, at least it's just them holding hands and being all adorable."

"Permission to kill the bastards?" Mary asked, raising her hand

"Fucking granted" John replied. "Choice of weapon?"

"Lipstick, a list of archaic swear words and Shakespearian insults" Mary replied. "Irene, do you know who leaked the photos?"

"I do know it's most likely Scotland Yard. Mycroft texted me, after he had a couple of his lot pose as fake paparazzi." Irene said, scanning her text messages "Speaking of Sherlock, where is he?"

"He was picking up the results from Molly… That's it. We're all getting into the car, not having them 'papped'." Mary said, picking up her Belstaff and scarf. John promptly locked his laptop, and Irene followed them out the door. Mary got into the driver's seat.

"No John, back for you. Irene, put those shades on, yes, I know about the case, just be unrecognisable." Mary said, taking the quickest possible route to St Bart's hospital.

"Shall I call dear Sherlock of you?" Irene asked

"Yes, now would be good" John said

"Hello Mr Holmes, yes, right now, you and Dr Hooper have some adorable photographs in the paper, we've found out who's leaked them, but the problem is-" She rolled her eyes "Yes, I know, but right know the press are having a field day and are outside St Bart's. Mary's got the car, just wait for us to get there, don't leave" She argued a bit more "You'll know…"

They reached the street, to find it swarming with paparazzi. Mary very suddenly honked the horn.

"MOVE OUT MY WAY MOTHERFUCKERS!" Mary swore. John threw the back door open, letting Sherlock and Molly slide in, Molly had only just slid in when Mary began to drive again.

"Remind me to thank you" Sherlock said, breathing heavily "Okay, who do we brutally murder?"

"We can't be sure, Mr Holmes. But I think, in everyone's best interests, you two should stay locked up in 221B for now. God knows what you two would get up to." Irene purred. "Anyway, I hear Moriarty's back. If you're wondering, those are his string of lovers."

"Shit" Mary whispered to herself

"Mary, didn't you mention something about having flirted with Moriarty?" John asked

"Not a good time, hedgehog… and besides, IT WAS THE ONE BLOODY TIME!" Mary expressed.

"Wait, what about Moriarty's chain of lovers?" Molly asked worriedly

"Shit, we need to do something" John said

"He seems to be attacking them in order of significance" Sherlock said

"How the bloody hell did you find that out?" John asked

"Homeless Network, you'd be surprised, and the occasional trash magazine. Now, first victim seems to have been a childhood acquaintance. The second seems to be a girl he fancied in high school." Sherlock then shuddered before telling them about the third. "The third was a woman he married, and he used her"

"Sick bastard" Mary and Irene said in unison

"If, I am not mistaken, which I never am, the next to be threatened, will be you, dear cousin, then Molly"

"Some men just want to watch the world burn" Irene said sadly "Informing Mycroft" Mary exited the car, opening it, checking for paparazzi.

"I know, this sounds, well… mad, but what if Moriarty's got a hand in this paparazzi" Molly said quietly

"What?" Sherlock said softly

"Listen, I know it's impossible, but with our photos out there, Moriarty will know how to attack us, I mean… he has paparazzi stalking us, he's probably even bugged us for all we know. And if he's coming after us, which he is, he'll attack us while we're all alone. Irene too, because she's working for Mycroft." Molly explained. Mary flicked around to look at Sherlock. His expression merely said 'MINDBLOWN'.

"Molly Hooper, you are absolutely right" Sherlock walked up and kissed her, then began rambling away at orders.

"Alright, no one in this house can leave"

"What!? I don't even live here!" Irene protested

"Oh shut up" Sherlock said "We're staying inside for a week."

"I'm sorry, a week, at least let me do some bloody shopping" Mary said "In one week, we're all going to run out of food"

"Call Mrs Hudson" Sherlock replied "Mycroft can place highest security on Baker Street"

"Sherlock, why a week?" Mary asked

"Because the murders were a week apart you idiot" Sherlock said "Oh… um"

"You just didn't" Mary said dangerously quiet.

"Anyway. House confinement all of you." Sherlock said. "And do me a favour, don't be boring."

"Bloody hell, we're in for torture" John mumbled, Mary and Irene nodded, they didn't need to hear erotic moaning from the room down the hall, at three in the morning.

* * *

Sorry guys, not a smut writer. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter. And one quick question. Do you guys think Irene/Lestrade is a fucked up ship? i don't know, because i want to write it, just not sure how you lot would react. And just realised, i hate rom-coms, except for fandom ones because they're so much darker and half the time in the Sherlockian fandom, it involves murder. So yeah, if you feel like leaving a review, the box is there. Thanks :)

Oh... one last thing, Mary's Tumblr account (LOL, my name's Mary, so whenever i write 'Mary', i feel like i'm writing myself) Doesn't exist. I wanted to make my account name that, but apparently it's way to long.

Yet again, thanks and the next chapter should be up soon.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Look, really sorry for being late in updating, so please don't kill me. Term's nearly over and i s2g, i've had no motivation for anything whatsoever. But writing right now felt like a chore, anyway, i've had this finished for a while and i need to upload the cover i made for this story. anyway, thanks to every review, favourite and follower :)

Disclaim: still own nothing. My friend and i had an agreement. If she gets tom hiddleston, i get Benedict Cumberbatch... well, who's to say i won't get them both.

* * *

243 Shades Of Lipstick- Chapter 3

Cabin!Lock.

It had only been one day. One day, cooped up with; Molly, Irene, John and her insufferable cousin. They were all still in their pyjamas, like anyone was bothered to change, they were all at home, along, waiting for another murder… or trying to outlive one. Sherlock kept glowering at her, and she could tell why; obviously her black, silk night gown (in fairness, it was floor length) and black silk robe were distracting to John. Mary merely rolled her eyes and looked at Irene, who was practically only wearing a red, silk negligée and a chiffon robe. Then directed her gaze to Molly, who was wearing a pink shirt and her cat pyjama pants. Sherlock rolled his eyes at her, Mary poking out her tongue, Sherlock squinted his eyes and sighed.

"I'm sorry, somebody translate that conversation for me, I was unaware that silence was a language" John said dryly

"Sherlock says: Your clothing is distracting John. Mary replies: Oh my fucking God, look at Irene. And actually… no, not Molly, wow, you're the type of man that's seduced by cute pyjamas. Sherlock then tells her that she's immature, Mary pokes her tongue out, saying that he's worse. Sherlock then says it's absolutely boring" Irene stated

"Are you two seriously that bored?" John asked

"I'm sorry, you didn't pick up that snippet about you?" Sherlock asked

"No, not interested in whatever family issue you two have" John said, busily typing

"Another case, I see?" Mary said from the other side of the room. "Updating on the Moriarty case, giving him a supposed 'clue' into what we're doing. Is it just me, or are we slowly being driven insane?"

"Right now, in this room, we have a consulting detective, a pathologist, a dominatrix, a science teacher and a blogger. I think we've gone past insanity" Molly said, stroking Sherlock's hair, as he lay in Molly's lap.

"I'm sorry, did you just purr?" Irene asked Sherlock

"Yeah, past insanity. Movie Marathon anyone?" Mary asked

"Lord of the rings?" John asked

"Kill Bill" Irene said

"Harry Potter" Molly said

"Pirates of the Caribbean" Sherlock smirked

"Yes" John said immediately

"That wins by default" Molly said

* * *

"Of _course_ he fancies you, look at him" Sherlock shouted at the TV.

"Sherlock, shut up" John said

"God, the sexual tension is killing me." Irene said

"Fucking hell, even _I'd_ dominate Orlando Bloom's face" Mary said

"Me too. He's just _so_ dreamy, can I just marry him?" Molly shared

"It's just like, shut up and get between my legs" Irene replied to them.

"Especially when he's Legolas in Lord Of The Rings" Mary added

"Oh yes, that too" Irene "You know who else I'd dominate, Tom Hiddleston"

"Don't even get me _started"_ Mary replied.

"Alright, enough with all of your sexual fantasies" John said

"Orlando Bloom? Really?" Sherlock scoffed

"One word against my Orlando Bloom, and I will fucking tie you both to a chair and show you the fanart your fangirls have created." Mary said threateningly "Just because _you_ feel insecure over losing Molly to a totally more hot Orlando Bloom"

* * *

Several hours later and several cups of tea afterwards, they had virtually been reduced to nothing.

"How many more days?" Molly asked, finally bored "Is this how you feel _all the time?_"

"6 more, and yes, yes this is"

"Would you like me to relieve you of this boredom" Sherlock said suggestively, Molly giggled.

"Before this escalates, you two better get into a room" Irene said. Mary sat there, permanently scarred, while John looked bored.

"Hedgehog, you wouldn't mind being permanently scarred, would you?" Mary asked curiously

"I've been in Afghanistan, what more is there" Mary snatched his laptop away from him and logged into one of her several Tumblr accounts, this one 'The-Hunter-Who-Stole-The-TARDIS-To-Go-To-Hogwarts ', was her trolling account.

"Everyone I follow is one of your fangirls. Have fun" Mary said brightly, she then turned to Irene Addler

"Have you slept with Orlando Bloom by any chance?" Mary asked quietly, Irene smiled, looking giddy

"Yes." They both squealed "That man is one hell of a devil"

"Is he really that dreamy up close?" Mary asked

"It's like you've died and gone to heaven to fuck with all the angels" Irene said.

"OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. GET OUT OF THE ROOM. WHO THE HELL DID THIS. OH MY GOD" John started screaming

"You got to the gay porn? Wait till you see Mystrade and Sherlolly" Mary said, then turning back to Irene, before being interrupted.

"They write stories about me and Sherlock!?" John asked

"Yeah" Mary replied "Just be glad they aren't hounding you asking you two to snog each other"

"You don't reblog this stuff, do you?"

"I have to, otherwise I don't get more of your fangirls."

* * *

Day 4

Mrs Hudson had insisted everyone take a shower, and get changed. It was almost like having a mother constantly nagging you. The amount of times Molly had squealed over the adorable things Sherlock did was unbelievable, but then again, how did she know it was adorable, she was his cousin.

"Sherlock, we've run out of ice-cream" Irene said.

"That's like the fifth time we've bought some this week. Fuck." John said

"Give me ten minutes and dry ice, and I can make ice-cream" Mary said, rather boredly

"Ah, properties of dry ice. No doubt, science class with your new seniors?" Sherlock said

"Oh yeah, the decent ones, they're cool, none of them are into politics, but they're dads are the worst." Mary remarked "I think they got carried away with the whole ice-cream thing, they managed to get into a debate between Chocolate versus Caramel. I just don't even understand" Mary said.

"Chocolate" Everyone in the room replied

"Right then. Mental note" Mary muttered "Any TV shows you lot want to watch?"

"No, if we end up doing a Doctor Who marathon, or a Merlin marathon, everyone will cry" John said

"What about we play a game on the wii?" Molly asked

"You have a wii?" Mary asked "Sherlock…"

"Yes, yes I do." Sherlock muttered. "John, get wii sports resort out."

* * *

Later…

Mary pulled the nuchuck back like a real bow and arrow. So far, she was coming second, surprisingly second behind Molly. Sherlock and Irene were tied at third (no pun intended), while John was only losing by two points. She waited for a little bit, then fired.

"Bullseye, again." Mary said. "Honestly, can't we do anything else?"

"Haha, no" John said.

* * *

"We are _never_ doing that again" Molly said

"Why?" Sherlock pouted from the other side of the room "Hardly my fault it's so boring"

"Sherlock, you are sulking like a 9-year-old" Molly emphasised

"Don't worry, he's been like that since the day he was born" Mary muttered

"Sherlock, you lost, deal" John said "OH MY GOD" John slammed the laptop lid down.

"Tumblr?" Mary asked

"Lestrade and Mycroft… Porn" John said

"Told you" Mary opened the lid of her lipstick case. "Shit, need to make some more"

"You make your own lipstick?" Irene asked interestedly

"Initially, I only collected lipstick cases from the 20's to the 50's. Then I grew up and decided I'd make my own shades. It's much better for your lips and you get unique shades, once you figure out what to do. I have some spare cases, might make you and Molly one" Mary offered

"That would be cool" Molly grinned "Most lipsticks are expensive"

"Particularly this one shade of Chanel lipstick I wanted" Mary admitted, from out of nowhere, she pulled out three carousels of lipstick tubes. She'd been bored and re-arranging her lipstick cases.

"You weren't kidding about 243, were you?" John asked, as he eyed the intricate gold or silver lipstick cases, several of them were jewel-encrusted or intricately patterned.

"I've got some more toned-down modern ones I think you two will like" Mary pulled out a sleek silver case and a pretty black case. Irene took the silver case, whilst Molly took the black case. "They're different shades of red, one of them is a velvet red, the other is like a darker, red-wine colour."

"Making lipstick. Again?" Sherlock came back from his shower.

"Oh, so I polished all your science equipment after Mycroft left them with me, and you thank me like this?" Mary retorted.

* * *

Day 6 (Although their paranoia insisted it had been at least a year)

"ONE MORE BLOODY DAY AND SHERLOCK FUCKING HOLMES CAN'T FUCKING SIT STILL" Molly threw a book at Sherlock, he had been too submerged in his own boredom and mutterings to notice the large dictionary that had hit his head. "DID YOU HAVE TO MESS UP MY STUFF!?"

"God." Mary muttered under her breath. "Hard to believe you two _aren't_ married" That remark earned her a glare from both Molly and Sherlock. "HA! You admit"

"Send us the invites" John smirked.

"Yeah. Sure Mycroft would love to be a bridesmaid" Mary snidely remarked.

"Oh, Mr Holmes elder in drag, what I wouldn't give to see that" Irene replied, sending a text.

"Oh shut up" Sherlock said, still evidently annoyed "BORED!" He said, flumping himself back down on the sofa and turning away.

"Sherlock, need I remind you, Moriarty's out, Mary _and_ Molly could both be killed, you could at least try to figure something out" John pointed out. Mary looked up from her Poirot novel.

"Ever read Poirot?" Irene asked

"No" Sherlock admitted.

"Murder on the Orient Express" Mary said, throwing him the book. "I dare you". Molly moved away from Sherlock, leaving him to try and solve the mystery. "You're not allowed to read after the interrogations. And you have until 9:00 pm"

"Challenge accepted" Sherlock said, taking the book from her.

"I bet he won't figure it out" John betted, slamming a ten-pound note on the coffee table.

"Ten hours" Molly betted

"5 hours" Irene said confidently, her own ten-pound note placed on the bench with Molly's and John's.

"Not betting. But I'll add some to that" Mary said, placing a pound note on the table.

Sherlock remained immersed in the book. He'd re-read the only parts he was allowed, not even allowed to read Hercule Poirot's thoughts afterwards. Mary, Molly, Irene and John had a wonderful lunch of Macaroni and Cheese, while Sherlock continued to ignore them. Mary had sent several emails to several of her students, asking for help, usually about atoms and chemistry.

"No, no, but she is suspicious" Sherlock was heard muttering from the corner.

"God, we should've let him deduce Harry Potter, would've been much easier" Molly said.

"I don't think we should make any more Harry Potter references for the time being" Mary said. John nodding.

"Yeah. Really shouldn't" John agreed.

"YES, I HAVE IT!" Sherlock stepped over the table, grinning like a proud-seven-year-old school-boy.

"And?"

"All of them killed Mr Ratchett, for several different reasons." Sherlock grinned proudly.

"Congratulations to soon-to-be Mrs Holmes" Irene smirked, handing her the money, Molly blushed.

"We- we, aren't engaged" She stammered.

"Yet" John and Mary said in unison.

"Two weeks" John betted

"Three weeks" Irene betted

"6 days, 22 hours and 31 minutes" Mary said confidently, their money pooled on the table.

"Mary, open the fridge, second layer to the right" Sherlock said. Mary did as she was told, opening the fridge to find a box wrapped in brown paper. "Open it"

"OH MY GOD I HATE YOU" Mary shouted, pulling out a tub of chocolate ice-cream.

"Why?" Molly asked, looking as if she could eat it herself.

"He and I had a bet. 10 years without chocolate ice-cream." Mary said

"That was stupid" Irene said

"We were all drunk, at Christmas." Mary pointed out. "It started out as a dare from my cousin Andrew and Sherlock, they dared me to spike Mycroft's drink with alcohol. Did it, then things got way out of hand."

"Told Andrew it was you." Sherlock muttered. "Anyway, you've won. Indulge in your victory."

"Thank you." Emma said, taking the sundae spoon and digging into the Chocolate ice-cream. "Anyway, what do you think Moriarty's doing. To be honest, he's probably got the place surrounded."

"No, it's more subtle than that." Sherlock said, deducing mode on. "He'd be watching us, not being _bugged_."

"Well thank bloody god for that." John muttered.

"Well then, how would he be watching us?" Irene asked "Well, then again, he _is_ the Consulting Criminal."

"For all we know someone's being possessed." Mary suggested. "Sounds like the devil"

"Molly, we opened all the letters, didn't we?" Sherlock said, as he stood next to the window where the letters had been discarded on the table. Mary wandered over.

"Yeah, of course we did." Molly said, walking over to Sherlock. Sherlock slowly opened the envelope, blanching, handing it over to John and Irene. Mary felt sour rising in her mouth as she read the writing.

'_I'm back, Sherly. They're all going to burn'_

"Well…" John started

"Fuck" Mary cursed.

* * *

Sorry, just a bit of a drabble. Um, hopefully the next chapter will be a bit more intense, and PLEASE REVIEW. I BAKEDEDED BANANA CAKE


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Okay, sorry for the last chapter. really, really. stuck. Anyway, thanks for the follows and reviews. So, thanks to:

AHighlyFunctioningSociopath, AnotherFanFic, Geddie, LadySolitaire83, OddOneOut16, Renaissancebooklover108, Tiggy Gray, coloradoandcolorado1, crooney83, ginganinja1999, hagiga, littlebritishteacup, magicstrikes, many-fandom-girl, redrosegirl, CompanionToMisterHolmes, missastoria

and to the reviews i have recieved from:

MorbidbyDeafult, coloradoandcolorado1, magicstrikes, Renaissancebooklover108 and the guest, whoever you are.

Now, a bit more serious and a shitload of 'thank your crack' at the end

Disclaim: I'm the real. no, just kidding, i still own nothing.

* * *

243 Shades of Lipstick

The next two weeks were spent in fear, or at least, in Mary's case. Though, in all fairness, she spent her time making lesson plans, she looked forward to teaching senior Chemistry again, it was rather fun.

"John, look, another one." Sherlock called from the window. Mary sighed, already bored. Sherlock was paranoid beyond anything she'd seen.

"Sherlock." John paused temporarily. "Did you buy a new shirt?" Emma looked over at him, noticing the burgundy shirt, then looking at her own burgundy, chiffon shirt.

"Obviously he's going on a date. Shall we guess the significance? Or shall we leave you to your deductions?" Mary asked him, noting the burgundy shirt. Mary knew what Molly liked to call his collection of shirts, the purple shirt of sex quite starkly in her mind. Mary snapped a photo of Sherlock, sending it to Molly.

"Mary, are you busy this Friday?" John asked

"No." Mary replied, half-knowing what this was probably about. "Any updates on Moriarty? Bloody hell…"

"No. Lestrade and Mycroft have been in contact, nothing thus far." Sherlock replied, not moving from the window

"Do you think he's going to try and kill you for good?" John asked, sipping on tea, looking worried from his seat.

"Thing is, Moriarty is suicidal. I mean, to put Sherlock all through that, because effectively they're the same person. If Sherlock dies, he dies, he gets out of boredom." Mary said carefully. "But it isn't _that_, I mean, why is he going after those women, if he wants revenge. It only means he's after Molly. Which means, Sherlock's not letting that happen, John, _observe_ closer next time."

"So, why hasn't he gone for Molly then?" John asked

"He's slowly killing her because she's watching Sherlock suffer for her, she'll feel guilty and as time goes on, fear's gonna eat her up because it's not just exes Moriarty's going after. Molly will want to sacrifice herself. Which won't happen because _we're_ not letting it happen" Mary started

"See that newspaper?" Sherlock asked "Page twenty-four, small paragraph. Another woman was killed. It hasn't made front pages because Lestrade already knows why."

"He's creating a non-existent list, that will make Molly think she's next each time. It's a trap, so we're calmly waiting. Or, in _Sulklock Holmes_' case, mope around windows." Mary finished.

"Sulklock Holmes." John though about it "Sounds right. You still haven't gotten the milk."

"I'll get some." Mary said, swinging on her coat and taking her Aston Martin keys.

* * *

Mary grabbed a carton or two of milk from the freezer, placing it in the basket where it sat next to the canned beans and two-minute noodles. Other than that, there was a fair few decent ingredients, she was planning on some Italian perhaps and some Indian. She walked over to get in cue, checking her phone when someone brushed past her shoulder.

"Sorry." He said. Mary froze, it was him. Moriarty. She looked back, terrified as he took a box of sugary cereals, he winked and grinned evilly, adjusting his cap. Mary snapped a picture on her conveniently handy phone, trying not to die of fear, he continued to stare at her as she paid for her items at the self-serve, making sure she paid by cash and not by card, for all she knew, he could hack into her accounts. Mary ran back to her car, setting up the Bluetooth to call Sherlock and John.

"Hello? Mary, what is it."

"MORIARTYISAWHIMATTESCCOHEWASBUYINGFROOTLOOPSANDIP ISSEDMYSELFBECAUSEHESAWMEIHAVEAPICTUREOFHIM" Mary said at high-speed, unable to keep calm

"Mary, say that again, slowly. And let me put you on speaker so your git-of-a-cousin can hear you."

"Fine" Mary sighed "I saw Moriarty. I was at Tesco buying food and he saw me while I cued to pay. Anyway, I got his photograph, it's a good one, so those idiots at Scotland Yard should be able to believe it."

"They could say it was photoshopped." John reasoned

"Please, I have the photoshopping skills of a peasant. I can't do anything." Mary said "I'm here, open the door. NOW" Mary demanded, running into the open door of 221B Baker Street, carrying the groceries. She flew up the stairs, hearing John close the door behind her, and dumped the groceries on the kitchen table.

"Where is it?" Sherlock asked. Mary threw her iPhone at him, knowing he could deduce the password. He flicked to her galleries and she observed as his breath stilled temporarily, a rarely seen moment of panic flashed through his eyes.

"You're not kidding then?" John asked, looking at her phone. "How does he _not_ die?"

"Ask the daleks that." Mary muttered darkly. "Texting Lestrade?" Mary asked Sherlock.

"He'll be here in 10 minutes. Mark you." Sherlock said, adjusting his violin. Ten minutes later Lestrade ran in.

"My god, really?" he asked Mary.

"I'm sure if you asked Tesco for a list of purchases from the credit card Moriarty had. Just ask for the guy who only bought a box of froot loops." Mary said

"No wonder he a psychopath." John sniggered. Anderson walked through the door, wincing upon seeing her.

"Oh look, who bought the incompetent imbecile along?" Mary asked. Lestrade attempted to cover up a smirk. Sherlock smirked and John hi-fived her.

"Anyway, I saw that photo, do you know if that's seriously his credit card and not stolen?"

"Stolen? No. Fake? Probably. Moriarty's smarter than all of you, he'd go to trouble to protect himself. Probably why you won't be able to track his further movements from that card." Mary said

"You best try to contact Mycroft." Sherlock said "He has every security camera. I'm sure you'll find what you need."

"I'm not breaking into your brother's office to get some cameras." Lestrade reasoned

"You won't be breaking in." Mary said.

"She called ahead." Sherlock finished for her, they grinned co-conspiringly. "Any brutal triple murders?"

"No Sherlock." Letsrade sighed "Right, I'll be in touch later. Try not to kill each other."

"We won't _dad_" Mary joked

"Of course not, _dad_" Sherlock grinned. Lestrade rolled his eyes, before walking out the door.

* * *

Two days. It had been two whole days until Lestrade finally got tabs of Moriarty. They were all worried, worried something bad was going to happen again. She tossed in her bed, unable to sleep, deciding that she wasn't going to sleep anytime soon, she tucked herself in her robe, before making her way to the sitting room.

"Can't sleep either?" John asked sympathetically.

"No. Not with Moriarty loose." Mary said. Sherlock was still awake, fully dressed, thinking. She picked up her violin from the sofa, next to Sherlock's.

"While we're here, can you please explain this music-language thing?" John asked

"Okay, this is my hello." Mary said, playing a few bars of 'windmills of your mind'

"This is my reply to her hello" Sherlock said, playing an elegant theme, John couldn't quite place.

"Then after that we just sorta make it up as we go along." Mary explained "But sometimes, we just get carried away, it's like a musical argument most of the time"

"Okay then." John said. Mary and Sherlock spent their time playing various pieces of music, before they all fell asleep.

* * *

Three. He waited, checking his watch.

Two. He straightened his westwood suit, checking that the tailored gown on the mannequin looked lovely. She'd better appreciate it, he went to hell and back to get it for her.

One. He sent the signal.

* * *

Mary's eyes fluttered temporarily. Grinning, looking at the peaceful figures of John Watson and Sherlock Holmes, sleeping. But it wasn't right, she could hear stealthy movements from the front door. Too late. Sherlock woke with a start, eyes open, as they three of them were knocked out. Last thing Mary felt was a silken handkerchief clamped to her mouth.

* * *

She opened her eyes, screaming bloody murder.

"BLOODY FUCK I AM GOING TO FUCKING SLICE YOU OPEN!" Mary shouted. She looked to her left and right. John and Sherlock both tied to a chair each, as was she.

"Mary?" Molly was there too.

"Oh, _Christ_." Lestrade apparently.

"Hellooo." Moriarty. Mary's breath quickened. He really was back. He looked tauntingly

"My, my." Moriarty said "Who knew you cousins were soo alike. Dear Mary, you left so quickly after dinner."

"Ooh, it's not me you have to worry about." Mary grinned, winking.

* * *

John's POV

"Oh, sweetheart. You wouldn't mind getting changed? I did set out dinner for us, but your clothing seems hardly appropriate." The light blinded John, as he looked at the rest of the room, it was set out perfectly for a romantic dinner. Mary looked defiantly at Moriarty.

"He's not after you." John whispered to Sherlock

"No, he is. He's playing a game." Sherlock replied, watching the scene unfolding before him. "Lestrade no doubt traced him here. Molly was kidnapped just as we were. He's going to do something.." Sherlock frowned, trying to make out what was going on. Mary was untied by two masked men and lead to a room off theirs.

"Sherly, Sherly, Sherly." Moriarty said "Who knew everyone in your family had such lovely looks. You know, did she ever explain to you what happened _last _time?"

"No. I think I can deduce for myself." Sherlock said coldly

"Well then, shall I begin the tale?" Jim asked rhetorically. "Well, once upon a time I sought a way to make you dance, Sherly. So, my spies and I chanced upon a charming school teacher, where my dear friend, Richard Brook's son attended college. Dear Ricky figured it out and had her kidnapped, we sat over dinner, negotiating. Charming woman, your cousin. And, I'll burn her." Jim finished "I'll burn her too, Sherlock."

"No. no you won't" Molly said boldly

"Molly." Sherlock said sharply "Molly, no." John's eyes flickered at Sherlock's frightened expression, before looking at a murderous Molly

"Oh, your girls. They're such feisty little creatures. Little Molly Hooper for instance."

"She isn't your little Molly Hooper." Mary said fiercely. John turned to see Mary standing at the doorway, looking murderous as it was. Though, a lovely murderess he must admit, in a tight black dress. That really wasn't helping actually, Mary Morstan was Sherlock's cousin. He kept repeating that inside his mind. She was his _cousin_, his _fucking cousin_.

"Oh, I see you've joined us." Moriarty said in his sadistic delight "Come, sit. I'm sure your friends will enjoy this spectacle."

"You _sick_ bastard." Lestrade said

"Not my fault you tailed me. Otherwise, I _may_ have been merciful." Jim said

"Tell me" Mary said as she sat "Is this mercy a way to impress a girl?"

"Well… depends on the way she takes it." Jim said melodically "Now, I hope you liked the dress"

"Chanel was never really my thing." Mary said. John was seething, how could someone torture them like this? But then he remembered everything Mary had told them the first time.

"She's toying with him…" Sherlock finished the sentence for him.

"Saw you at Tesco the other day, shame I won't get to try your spaghetti, by the looks of it." Jim said

"Oh, don't worry. I'd have killed you before you did." Mary replied coldly.

"Oh, now, now. That isn't the way to behave. I did get a 3 star Michelin restaurant to cook for us."

"I suppose this is your idea of torture?" Mary asked dryly, drinking hardly any of the soup.

"No, if you're worried I poisoned it. I didn't, that'd be silly and it would take the fun out of killing you." Moriarty said, savouring the wine "Tried the wine yet?"

"Why?" Mary asked simply. John felt the ropes around his wrist. He looked over to Molly, she caught his eye, she held a swiss knife in the palm of her hand, and she attempted to hack apart her ropes. John tried loosening his ropes, unable to. Molly finished, covertly sliding the swiss knife along the floor. Now John had to figure out how to pick it up.

* * *

Mary caught that, but didn't even dare try and give it away. Staring intently at Moriarty

"Try me." Mary said "Why are we playing this game?"

"Well, you and your family have a habit of getting in my way." Moriarty started

"Why not just kill Sherlock then?" Mary asked

"Well, aren't _you_ lovely." Sherlock snorted.

"Well, you're like a collection, your family." Moriarty said "Kill one you need to kill them all."

"14 cousins and I'm the only girl" Mary said "Take your pick. Now, shall I start? You kidnapped us. Obviously. But you wouldn't kill us. Another obvious. So why are you here?"

"Consider it hitting two birds with one stone." Moriarty said " I'm here to torture Sherly and I finish my dinner with you, after your _untimely_ departure."

"I had exams to mark" Mary replied

"Though, I must admit, you look stunning, darling"

"Don't let your boyfriend hear that." Mary said, tucking a strand behind her hair.

"Oh, you're just like him. Deductions and what not."

"I thought you were him" Mary said "I thought you said that you were alike."

"Well, we both know that's not quite true."

"Lie. You're both the same. Put a woman in front of them, and you're distracted." Mary leaned back. "Don't look now. But Molly, John and Lestrade have left. Sherlock took care of the sniper, and all because you were allured by a low-cut neckline." Mary finished.

"Oh, aren't you clever. But you're not getting out of this room alive."

"Yes, I am." Mary said. She held up her phone "Trick I learnt from Irene Addler"

"A trick is something a whore does for money"

"Perfect summary then" Mary said, zooming in the picture "You see, I took a photo of you. And co-incidentally, the credit card you hold. You let your guard down. I got the first few numbers, that narrowed it down. Then with some help. I believe you know Sebastian Webb? He helped me narrow it down further."

"And what has that got to do with it?" Jim asked, but now on his toes

"Because I can prove that you were behind the recent killings." Mary bluffed

"How?" Jim asked. Mary looked into his eyes, grinning

"So, this card _has_ got something to do with the recent killings." Mary laughed "Right, thanks for dinner, sorry not sorry about the dress. And consider your message taken."

"What makes you think I won't kill you?" John asked

"You've got something planned. Now would be unwise." Mary said, before stalking out the door.

* * *

Sherlock cocked a brow. Mary walked out of the warehouse laughing.

"Lestrade, be a dear and hunt down anything on Moriarty's credit card." Mary said, turning on her iPhone to check something…

"So, he didn't kill you." John said, sighing. Sherlock turned sharply, looking at John. He was almost in a state of denial, looking at John's pupils. They had just dilated. He was _not_ letting that happen.

"He intends to, if that cheers you up." Mary said "Molly? Where are you?" Molly was wrapped in an orange blanket. Mary walked up to her and hugged her, grasping both her shoulders and shaking her a bit.

"You okay?" Molly asked

"You are brilliant." Mary said simply "You were the only one with _sense_. You should learn boys. Swiss knives are cool"

"You didn't have one." Sherlock reasoned. He tensed, as she lowered a hand into her dress.

"Excuse you, cousin" Mary said, pulling a small blade from her bra. John's eyes widened, and Molly laughed.

"Oh um.." John looked away "That, that would've been convenient."

"Quite" Mary said clipped, as Sherlock watched Mary take Molly into her Aston Martin, to drive her back to her flat.

"No." Sherlock said simply

"Why not? You are a complete git, you know." John said, prodding him in the chest.

"Yes, and you're Cassanova. You are not dangling my cousin under your nose." Sherlock said, crossing his arms.

"Hey, I asked her out for dinner and she agreed." John said.

"Good luck." Sherlock said dryly. He gave up, there was no way possible he was going to convince his 'best mate' that his inevitable doom awaited.

* * *

Friday, that week.

"John" Mary said. John looked to see Mary walking towards his street corner, in a dark blue dress.

"Oh, hello." John said "Haven't seen you in a couple of days."

"Oh, been with Molly. She's fun." Mary said "Getting to know my soon-to-be cousin. Sherlock's just too thick to marry her already."

"I guessed that much. Where do you feel like going for dinner?" John asked, as they walked together down the street, his hand instinctively slipping into hers.

"Anywhere." Mary grinned "And a movie. There's something I've been absolutely _dying_ to check out."

"Okay then. Had Italian recently?"

"No. Sounds great." Mary replied. John internally fist-pumped he was doing well. One thing was checked off his list.

* * *

"Sherlock. Is this really necessary?" Molly asked. Sherlock growled, he was getting protective of his cousin, as it was.

"Yes, yes it is." Sherlock said, as he pulled Molly beside him.

"Why aren't we in disguise?" Molly asked "If you want to stalk them, fine." Sherlock handed her a pair of glasses and a red scarf.

"The art of disguise is knowing how to hide in plain sight." Sherlock said, taking off his scarf and handing it to one of his conveniently placed Homeless network.

"I'll take care of this, Mr 'Olmes" the girl said, tucking it behind her, as she continued to beg alms. Sherlock squinted, they were well outside of John's range. But Mary, Mary would sense them.

"Sherlock. Can we just stop?" Molly asked

"Don't tell me you're not wanting to find out what happens next." Sherlock said, watching the petite woman blush "Consider it one of our memorable dates."

"_Your_ 'memorable' dates mean _complete disasters._" Molly argued, as they arrived at the Italian restaurant he'd stalked them to. Entering he requested a table near the back.

"You have _got_ to be joking." Molly said, as she looked at the menu.

"She'll be having the Pasta Napolitano as she usually does." Sherlock said clipped to the waiter "With a glass of red wine and a loaf of garlic bread." He scanned the card one more time "I'll have the garlic prawns."

* * *

Lestrade entered Mycroft's office, he seemed to be concentrating on a few of the computer screens.

"Mr Holmes?" Lestrade called

"Oh yes, please sit." Lestrade sat where Mycroft pointed to with his umbrella. He began to explain everything, but realised that he wasn't paying attention.

"What are you doing for Christ's sake."

"Observing." Mycroft said dryly, turning the laptop screen towards him "I've been anticipating this, and I am curious to how it turns out."

"In otherwords, you're interested in stalking your cousin while she snogs John…" Lestrade said, as he watched the pair in question engage in a deep and what looked like a highly amusing conversation.

"Ah, without doubt, that's at the end of the night. He obviously intends to take her to the movies, only one that'll interest the pair being that-that thriller, whatever it's called." Mycroft said. They both sat side-by-side commenting as something occurred.

"Is- is that Sherlock?" Lestrade asked, pointing to the tall figure

"Oh, forgive my baby brother, he's curious too. She was the closest thing he had to a sister. Naturally he's protective. As children they did everything together, when I mean everything, I mean when they weren't in isolation. Which was hardly ever, most of which were violin lessons and primary school. They studied together occasionally and when my father was visiting his sister, they'd play."

"Sounds idyllic. Except, not idyllic by normal standards." Lestrade said, weighing the facts. He _was_ getting distracted by this. It was too fascinating. Next time he saw John and Mary together, the amount of innuendoes he was going to throw at them was tantamount.

* * *

"Sherlock. Stop that." Molly hissed. Her 'man-child' was angrily throwing popcorn at the back of John's head. Or at least attempting too. She was enjoying this movie, okay? it was great, the badass heroine was killing off all the men at the party. She winced, John felt one hit the back of his head, his hand moving to that area.

"No." Sherlock said, looking sassy. She hated that. Sassy!Lock. He shoved another piece of popcorn into his mouth, then popping one into hers.

"Ugh. This is so _boring_" he whispered. It's so obvious the man wanting to kill her is her enstranged father. Look at their _eyes_. The movie passed tensely. Molly could hardly stop Sherlock from throwing popcorn at his best mate's head. His eyes narrowed as Molly watched John wind his arm around Mary's shoulders.

"It's so _sweet_." Molly quietly squealed.

"It's _not_" Sherlock growled. Molly wondered why they hadn't been kicked out of the movie yet. Then she reminded herself that she, Sherlock, Mary, John and a group of excited teenagers at the back of the cinema were the only people there. As the movie ended, they quietly creeped behind Mary and John. Sherlock grinned at her, and she couldn't help herself, but pour the rest of her super-large barrel of popcorn into his, as they both tipped the bucket right over John's head, before feeling the cinema.

* * *

"Oh my god." Mary laughed "Are you alright?" John loved her soft, tinkling laugh. She pecked his cheek. He froze internally for a moment as his flesh remembered the spot where her lipstick-stained lips touched his cheek.

"I'm fine." John said. "That was _so_ Sherlock." John said, as they walked hand-in-hand out of the cinema and into the busy London street

"It was. I could see him, he and Molly were tailing us, they were at the restaurant too." Mary said, waving at the security camera. "Hello Mycroft."

* * *

"Shit" Lestrade and Mycroft said in unison, as they ran from the room.

* * *

Okay guys, thanks for reading this fic. Um, sorry if it's a tad too fast paced. Oh, uh, please review they mean a lot to me and i love replying to them, i like having chats. I'll be on holidays next week, so i'll be off here and Tumblr.

And if you feel like following my superwhovengerhobbitpotterlock blog, I'm: consulting-timelord-of-mischief


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